This could be the most difficult column I have ever written. I love a challenge and to discuss this subject will take great tact and grace. I shall call upon all of my literary skills and turn the AC on high as I walk on the proverbial eggshells.
So, without further delay, have you heard of Yoni? I know most of my lady readers are vigorously nodding their heads at this moment and love his music. However, the long-haired musician is not what I am speaking about but I inherently know the females will rapaciously read as I describe the other Yoni.
You see Yoni is Sanskrit for `Sacred Space’ or `Sacred Temple’. I know some of you men are staring at the page like a moose at a calculus lesson. Let me explain. Yoni is a type of massage only for women. Am I getting warmer? Actually, that was a poor choice of words but oddly enough it is getting hot in here.
The Yoni massage is sweeping Great Britain. I would imagine it is popular all over the world much to the chagrin of men. In more than `Merry Old England’ women are flocking to get the Yoni massage from… um… you see… ah… from other women at professional salons.
Listen, I understand that all the men out there are rolling their eyes and huffing and puffing. There is nothing more offensive to the male ego than the thought that his lady may need to get Sacred Spaces or Temples massaged by another. Yet please remember my fellow men that many of us refuse to stop for directions let alone know the intricate… the area where… um… boy, it is getting hotter in here, isn’t it? What I am trying to say is, is that if the G-spot were a restaurant men couldn’t find it with a GPS. I’m not saying all men but there must be enough of them that are directionally incompetent that there is even a need for Yoni.
Still, there is a double standard here. When men go to get a massage from a woman he is generally called something related to pork and the masseuse is labeled an escort. When a woman goes for a massage she is called `considered in need of some relaxation’ and the female masseuse is summed up as… well in the case of Yoni… um… never mind.
I cannot go into the finer details of this Yoni massage because in this day and age we still feel uncomfortable with using proper terminology when it comes to the human body. I can say that the purpose of the Yoni massage is to relax the giver and the receiver. Hell, I’d be happy just being a fly on the wall. Apparently, if the receiver… um… ah… wow, I’m starting to sound like Justin Trudeau with all these ums and ahs… apparently the receiver does not have to reach… have a… Hallelujah!
Now, I am a complete professional and I always do my research. Little did I know that scented oils, specific instructions including clockwise and counter-clock wise motions will relax the eight thousand sensory nerve endings. I feel ripped off. I have one nerve ending as do most men. I compare massages for men and women to running. Men like the quick sprints whereas women are into cross country.
According to the Yoni massage experts the area to be focused upon is a complex structure. No kidding. It’s an enigma wrapped in a puzzle, hidden in a riddle, buried inside a Rubik’s Cube and locked in the underground parking. Yoni folks also say, “You are holding one of the mysteries of the universe in your hand.” I would go further. We could use many astronomy terms here but I will just go with, `Star light, star bright, First star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might… know what the hell I was doing!’
I believe men should accompany their lady to the Yoni salon and take notes. You could even record it on your phone for future reference but that borders upon adult films. I strongly urge caution before videotaping and get it in writing from your significant other, as well as having it notarized by at least a dozen lawyers before proceeding.
Yoni promises the lady will bask in the afterglow once the long, sensuous procedure is completed. As for men, after our five second afterglow you will find us snoring or sipping a beer while we watch the ball game.
Therein is the secret gentlemen- take your time, ask questions, get directions and if all else fails, play some music. Preferably, Yanni.

Written by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

Providing a fresh perspective for Hamilton and Burlington

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