Sipping my drink I noticed my windows could use a good wash. Being the anal creature I am when it comes to cleanliness I had purchased a squeegee. The trick to cleaning windows is filling a bucket with lukewarm water and then adding a drop of dishwashing detergent. It was a cold and windy day but the inclement weather was not going to deter me. One by one I washed the outside windows and nary was a streak found.

The spiders were none too happy as I had ruined their winter hideaways. My hands were red and raw from the icy wind but the job was done. However, I have a north window that needed special cleaning and since I have no balcony to stand on I rigged a sponge and a squeegee on long poles. Following Red Green’s rules I wrapped duct tape around them to ensure nothing fell eight floors. The north window is particularly irksome as there are four small, sliding windows at the bottom; two on the outside and two on the inside.

All four would need to be removed in order to drop to my knees, stick the pole out the window and wash the glass and then squeegee the glass. Simple, right? I’m a relatively peaceful man but if I ever meet the guy that designed this window I will kick him in the family jewels and then squeegee his empty head! The inside windows came out easily leaving the two outside windows. I pushed and pulled and grunted and heaved and moaned and groaned as I tried to remove the windows from their tracks. All the exertion and noise must have left my neighbours wondering if I was on my honeymoon. Finally, I managed to remove the two outside windows causing an absolutely wicked, freezing wind inside my living room. I hurriedly donned my coat, toque and gloves.

I vacuumed the tracks consisting of deceased ladybugs and skeletons of spiders. Next, I bent to my arthritic knees and used a broom to sweep away the cobwebs. I pushed and pulled and grunted and heaved and moaned and groaned and damn near peed myself when one of the biggest and hairiest spiders suddenly dropped onto my hand and scurried up my arm. I don’t want to say I screamed like a little girl but I withdrew my hands faster than Doc Holliday at the O.K. Corral. The arachnid fell to the track and beinthe suck that I am I could not kill him in good conscience. I spent the next thirty minutes trying to push him outside and even threw in a few expletives for good measure. My neighbours must have thought the honeymoon was over. At last the spider decided he liked it outdoors and disappeared over the edge.

My back was aching and my arms were bruised where I had scraped them against the tracks despite my jacket. I proceeded to wash the window. I pushed and pulled and grunted and heaved and moaned and groaned but I finished. Now I had to squeegee the window. My arms were screaming in pain along with my back and knees as I carefully removed the moisture. Spiders fell like rain but I persisted until the big window was perfect. I needed a break from my broken body and poured another drink. All that was left was to install those four windows; two on the outside and two on the inside. After my shot of courage I proceeded to try and put the outside windows back in. I pushed and pulled and grunted and heaved and moaned and groaned and swore like a common stevedore but they wouldn’t go back in! If I ever `do’ meet the idiot that designed this window I won’t squeegee his head I’ll just throw him out the window! By this point I was soaked with sweat and removed most of my clothing and oddly enough the spiders buggered off. I spent the next hour fighting with the stupid window and mercifully had one back in when the entire frame of tracks fell out and down the eight floors. I stood there dumbfounded.

I clothed myself and raced downstairs, out the door and retrieved the metalwork. I managed to fix the frame and install the windows. I sat back and admired my achievement with another liquid elixir just as a huge boom of thunder echoed and a slashing north rain pelted the glass. Remember that old commercial? The mother cleans her windows and the little girl says, “Hey mommy, you’re making the windows laugh.” All I can say is, shut up, kid!

By: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author- visit www.amazon.com. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

Providing a Fresh Perspective for Burlington and Hamilton.

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