You will need a program for the following race.
Hillary Clinton – Her Highness
Bernie Sanders – Grumpy Muppet
Donald Trump – Comb-Over
Ted Cruz – Smarmy
John Kasich – Also-Ran
And now let us go to our track announcer for today’s race…
“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Here we are at the prestigious American Topsy-turvy Derby. Here are the odds for the contest. Her Highness from Arkansas is 5 to 1. Grumpy Muppet from Brooklyn is 10 to 1. Comb-Over from New York is 3 to 1. Smarmy from Texas is 20 to 1 although there is some grumbling that he is actually a Canadian horse. As a matter of fact there was supposed to be a horse from Quebec in this field but `Silver-Spoon-Fed-Selfie-King’ became lame after winning the Canadian Topsy-turvy Derby. Finally, Also-Ran from Ohio is at 99 to 1. We’ve had some rain so it’s going to be a sloppy race. The last time the weather played a role was when `An Inconvenient Truth’ lost by a hair to… never mind.
It seems Her Highness is a little jittery entering the chute as she keeps looking over her shoulder at Grumpy Muppet. By the way Her Highness is wearing lovely silks today in the shape of a pantsuit. I must say Grumpy Muppet looks determined. Comb-Over seems relaxed as he eyes the fans. Smarmy enters his stall smiling and nodding and Also-Ran waits patiently for the start.
They’re at the gate… they’re off! There’s a bit of bumping and grinding but it’s a clean getaway. Her Highness takes the early lead! I’m sure that pleases her Saudi owners who are in attendance here this afternoon. Comb-Over is a close second and can’t seem to take his eyes off the crowd. Interesting fact here folks, Comb-Over is the only horse in the history of the derby that has used his own money to get here. Smarmy follows in third looking for shortcuts as Grumpy Muppet hands out a few copies of The Communist Manifesto to some fans trackside. Also-Ran brings up the rear.
They’re approaching the first turn. Her Highness continues to lead but something must be bothering her… oh wait, it’s an e-mail! Just a minute, race fans! The cell phone was a distraction because Her Highness just stole some park property. Chances are the officials will force her to give it back. Comb-Over is gaining ground as his feet kicks up mud into the faces of the others. Grumpy Muppet looks a little winded as Smarmy winks at the Canadian Flag. Also-Ran seems to be dropping back.
They’re coming into the backstretch! It’s not a record pace but it is a spectacle. Her Highness barely leads Comb-Over by a nose! Smarmy presses Grumpy Muppet to the rail and Also-Ran is starting to fade from the pack! He should have been a healthy scratch.
And it is starting rain! It’s really coming down! Can these horses get any dirtier? Pretty soon we won’t be able to tell one from the other! I’m sure Her Highness can’t be happy with her silks being ruined but rumour has it she has several hundred in her stable.
And now Comb-Over is the front-runner! My friends, I must remind you this is a handicap race and Comb-Over has had extra weight added to his mane but it isn’t slowing him down. Her Highness seems to be rattled which is strange because she supposedly comes from good stock. Why just the other day her stablemate was put out to stud again.
You have to hand it to Grumpy Muppet folks! He’s starting to gain ground as they `Gallup towards the Poll’ in the second to last turn. Smarmy slips into third as his jockey begins to pray and checks his sidearm. Also-Ran has pulled up! He’s just trotting at a leisurely pace but refuses to give up. What courage!
They’re in the final turn! Comb-Over starts to pull away! Her Highness takes all you’ve got… I mean she gives all she’s got! Grumpy Muppet’s young fans begin to cry! It’s a communal disaster for them! Smarmy tries to cut across the infield but that’s cheating and he’s been disqualified!
And down the stretch they come! Can he do it? Comb-Over legs it out for all he’s worth! About ten billion dollars! Her Highness can’t believe she isn’t going to win! She thought this would be a simple coronation at the finish line after all those that bought and paid for her!
And here it is… Comb-Over by three lengths! Comb-Over wins the American Topsy-turvy Derby! See you in four years.”
Written by: Ben Guyatt
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.