I have several questions for you my good reader. Do ever you find yourself searching for a product that seems impossible to find? Do you have one particular store you detest having to patronize?

My story begins years ago when my dentist convinced me one of his electric toothbrushes was the best on the market. I purchased the item because I needed a new one and I value my teeth. The last thing I want is a mouth devoid of pearly whites, eating my dinner through a straw and having to move to a trailer park somewhere in the Southern United States.

The heads for the electric toothbrush eventually wore out and after a diligent search I found replacements at that one particular store I absolutely cringe upon entering. I wondered why

finding the replacement was such a chore since I was informed it was the best electric toothbrush on the market. Perhaps that is what makes it so good in that it is rare. I figure if I keep telling myself that it will eventually become truth.

I bought the replacements and after a year I needed more. Reason would dictate that returning to that same horrid store would resupply my dental larder.

The day I ventured to the cavernous marketplace it was raining heavily. I timed my dodging of the raindrops to perfection and found myself inside the lobby completely soaked. I was greeted by an elderly woman who was too tired to get up from her chair. She merely waved at me and I deduced her exhaustion must have had something to do with the myriad of buttons upon her smock.

I marched through the labyrinth of aisles with my head down and avoided eye contact with the other customers. That is one of the many reasons I despise this store for its consumers are

without question some of the most bizarre, inbred and nasty-looking examples of bipedalism that ever dragged their knuckles upon the surface of the earth.

After what seemed an eternity of traversing the maze of aisles I finally found the oral care merchandise. I searched for the box that would match the one I had brought from the year before. I spotted what I believed was the replacement heads and tried to remove the package hanging from a hook but couldn’t. Feeling chilled from the rain I was losing my temper as many of the zombie-like patrons were coming too near. I gave the package a good yank and damn near pulled down the entire display. One of the smock-covered drones recognized my distress and offered her assistance. She explained the boxes were locked in place to prevent theft and after a quick look around at the carousel of colourful characters I understood what she had said.

The clerk took the box I had brought and said she was going to scan it to find out if what I needed was in stock. I stood there

waiting and noticed two men just staring at me. I couldn’t help but wonder if they were amazed that I had all of my teeth and wanted to know what it was like to visit an aisle they would never use.

The clerk returned with the bad news that they no longer carried the product. Frustrated, I hurried for the exit and cursed my dentist but something caught my eye. It was the golden sign of the fast food joint within the store. I wasn’t going home empty-handed or in this case empty-stomached.

I waited in line and to my sheer disbelief I watched as the so-called lady in front of me unleashed what can only be described as a maelstrom of expletives at the server behind the counter. To make matters worse the screaming woman had a baby in a stroller but the kid’s expression was that of familiarity. The Neanderthal mother departed in disgust and I stepped forward. I ordered my meal to go for there was no way in Hades I was going to dine amidst the underworld of the brain-dead. I asked the nice lady what the excitement was all about. She shrugged

unconcerned and said the foul-mouthed matron was her daughter who was angry because she didn’t receive any free fries.

I grabbed my food and made a hasty exit into the pouring rain. I slowed my pace to allow the moisture to cleanse my soul and person of the stench of hell.

Once inside my vehicle I decided to eat right then and there. After all, I decided I have no time to lose enjoying my molars while I still have them.

Written by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

Providing a fresh perspective for Hamilton and Burlington

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