The earth is flat, the sun is the centre of the universe and Justin Bieber recently shattered the record for the most hits on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart. Sadly, the last of those three statements happens to be truth.
Canuck Justin Bieber broke the old record of fourteen hits by The Beatles with seventeen tunes. It would seem hell has frozen over.
Some of you may be Bieber fans and for that I am truly sorry for I find his music treacle, over-produced and too perfect without soul. What really disturbs me is that Bieber thinks he is a bad boy of Rock ‘n’ Roll. First, Bieber is a spoiled urchin and second, his music is hardly Rock ‘n’ Roll. The best rock band in the world without question is The Rolling Stones. If one needs to find the poster boy for bad boys look no further than the chain-smoking, Jack Daniel’s drinking, “I don’t give a *&%$ what anybody thinks”,
Keith Richards… and he means it. In Bieber’s case, I doubt he could handle more than three glasses of sour milk let alone sour mash.
Am I being too hard on `The Bieber’ as June Cleaver might suggest? I hardly think I am. Bieber’s phenomenal success can also be attributed to his fans- fans that wouldn’t know a good song if it kicked them in the chorus. Today’s music fanatics are devoid of taste thanks to synthesized songs churned out by cookie-cutter producers looking to make a fast buck off the dim-witted and undiscriminating consumer.
Every one of these songs sounds the same with mindless melodies and listless lyrics. Nary an artist today writes their own music or plays an instrument and therein is the rub- bands like The Rolling Stones are so iconic because they didn’t strive for perfection and are slightly off-centre. Their music has an edge with R&B undertones oozing sex appeal. In Bieber’s case the only sex appeal, I would suppose, is his boyish good looks
causing prepubescent girls to scream with delight. Take away Bieber’s computerized voice and music and those same young ladies will look at their heart-throb like a dog looks at a squeaky toy.
Mick Jagger has a face that could stop a train on a foggy night but the man can sing and dance and play several instruments. I also know that The Beatles had thousands of girls screaming their little hearts out but there is one of many differences between Bieber and The Beatles- the Beatles could back up their handsome mop tops with endless talent.
If I sound bitter and angry it’s because I am, for Bieber’s success aptly demonstrates one of the reasons why society is going down the `Highway to Hell’… thank you AC/DC. In today’s world we want everything faster without having to do much work to attain success. I truly believe the people that like Bieber and his ilk are the same persons who feel a sense of entitlement and latch onto the `flavour of the month’ until the next hip thing comes
along. Speaking of hip- `Hip Hop/Rap-Crap’ music is not even music but gangsterism set to horrific poetry whose so-called crooners couldn’t sing a note if their hoodie and saggy pants depended on it.
I always wanted to be a singer but several neighborhood canines would congregate and join in so I knew I needed another vocation. Perhaps I am slightly jealous of Bieber for I once opened as a comedian for Canadian rocker and bluesman, Colin James. After I introduced Colin the well-endowed ladies in the front row removed their bras and panties and flung them at the stage. I’ll never forget standing there in awe amidst a pool of my own saliva as Colin smiled and practically hauled me off the stage. But again, Colin has incredible talent whereas Bieber has pedestrian ability but extremely good promoters and marketers. Isn’t that the secret to these idols, scarce talent but sold as paragons of music?
I know one thing for certain, in fifty years people won’t even remember Bieber’s name or his library of sickeningly sweet music. Through whatever device future generations listen to music, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Mozart, Bach, Beethoven and a host of others will still find plenty of play. Their music is timeless and so is their talent. Bieber and the others have limited time and talent.
Now if you will excuse me I’m going to pop in a CD and listen to `(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’ by Mick and the boys… released in 1965. Say, what’s the name of any of those seventeen Bieber hits? I rest my case.
Written by: Ben Guyatt
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.