A Dutch company recently announced they are taking applications for those persons who want a one-way ticket to Mars to colonize the Red Planet. If I had my way Mars would become the next Australia in that prisoners would be launched off this rock and save taxpayers millions. However, since criminals seem to have more rights than the victims in this country the next best thing would be to round up all the politicians from every level of government and strap them into a massive rocket named the ‘Enter-Lies’.
The crew of the ‘Enter-Lies’ would be the Liberals. If anyone knows anything about transportation, it would be the Libs. Queen’s Park is floating the idea of spending $50 billion over 25 years to solve Ontario’s gridlock problems. Giving the Grits money is like hiring Dracula to guard a blood bank. Hamilton is part of the mix too with LRT being discussed by our dithering councilors. That’s just what The Hammer needs, a faster way for people to get out of the city. The Conservatives of course would pilot the ‘Enter-Lies’. Captain Harper would immediately ask for more power as he strokes his cat but Justin ‘Scotty’ Trudeau will report it can’t be done. ‘Scotty’ feels a sense of entitlement and hopes his heritage will one day make him the captain. Oddly enough, the only time politicians agree is when they sniff a pay raise and this is voted upon at warp speed. Speaking of money, it was awfully nice of the Feds to claw back the danger pay to those military personnel in Afghanistan. Actually, I can understand that.
Ontario needs that cash to pay for the billion or so dollars taxpayers doled out for gas plants that never existed. Come to think of it, I believe the ‘Enter-Lies’ is in dire straits. There must be a black hole on the way to Mars and its epicentre is in Ontario. Nothing escapes a black hole, not even light or common sense and just think of all the items that have disappeared: e-Health programs, helicopters, hydro savings, trust, dignity etc. etc. Naturally, there are some serious hazards on a mission to Mars and that’s where the Klingons come in, or in the language of the Klingons, the NDP. Cloaking devices are used quite cleverly by the NDP and they are secretly led by Bob Rae despite the physical appearance of Thomas Mulcair. Clinging to power is something the NDP will never have to worry about, hence the name Klingons. It’s terribly easy to promise the moon when you know you will never win.
Fortunately, the ‘Enter-Lies’ would not be destroyed by the Klingons because they would get into an argument and decide the best thing to do is go on strike against one another. Aboard the ‘Enter-Lies’ is Mister Spook, a.k.a. Dalton McGuinty. Spook is half-human, half-Vulcan, rarely shows any emotion and scares the hell out of everybody. Now if that isn’t McGuinty, I don’t know what is. Captain Harper brushes aside Spook’s logic for one logical reason — Spook’s former domain is now a smoldering ruin. A doctor is always needed on space flights and the ‘Enter-Lies’ is no different. The crew needs a wily veteran, a person that is perennially grumpy, over-confident of their abilities and can talk their way out of any trouble with doublespeak. Many politicians wanted the job but Jean ‘Bones’ Chretien was the winner. Sadly, Chretien promised to show up but he never made it for the liftoff.
And what would the ‘Enter-Lies’ be without the guile of a woman? The ship needs a communications officer. The individual must speak their mind regardless of the consequences and work tirelessly behind the scenes to achieve greater self-power. Enter Sheila ‘Uhura’ Copps. She’s nobody’s baby except for that time when she lost another communications job to Lieutenant Valeri. The mission of the ‘Enter-Lies’ is to go to Mars and deposit the politicians on the cold, dry surface and perpetuate the species. An expert is required in the field of propagation and that’s why Brian Mulroney was given the job. Single-handedly, he screwed over an entire nation. In the inhospitable environment of Mars our fearless astronauts will need a jester to keep moods light and spirits high. Despite not trying to be funny, all the politicians voted Sam ‘Jester’ Merulla as the colony’s comedian. Sammy would have them rolling in the aisles until he went on a little too long and the great jester soon morphed into a sleep aid. The day has arrived. The ‘Enter-Lies’ is on the pad. All of the politicians are crammed inside. They are about to boldly go where no man has gone before… two, one… nothing. The rocket fizzles and doesn’t fire. It seems the astronauts forgot to hook up the Keystone Pipeline to the fuel tanks. What a bunch of dumb asteroids.
By Ben Guyatt
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian who hosted Comedy @ Club 54, is the author of several books including Billy Green Saves The Day and hosts The Ben Guyatt Show on AM900 CHML every Sunday night. www. benguyatt.com