What is normal? That question is asked quite often and not many people have the answer. Well, it turns out I have my own rejoinder. Normal is doing the exact opposite of the trends being followed by a gullible public.
Have you heard about the latest fad for men? It’s called `Scrotox’. Basically, a plastic surgeon will inject Botox into a man’s family jewels to enhance size, decrease wrinkles and fight the inevitable problem of gravity. The gravitas of this procedure speaks for itself. Listen, unless a guy can play hacky sack with his own anatomy I don’t see the point in requesting this surgery.
Let us remember that this special operation would only apply to middle-aged and senior men. How would the completion of this process work out in a retirement home? The following is a scene I can’t help but imagine.
“Good morning, Edna. I see your grandchildren visited today,” said Frank. “Oh yes, it was a wonderful time,” Edna replied with a smile. Frank saunters over to the couch and wraps his arm around her much to her surprise. “What do you say after Bingo tonight you and I go back to my room and I can show you my new goods?”
That is as far as I can take this story because there is no ending that could possibly be considered positive. For the sake of argument we could imagine Edna going back to Frank’s room where he disrobes and models his new attire. The problem is unless Frank gets a complete physical make-over he will resemble a shiny new bell on a rusted old bike. What would be the point?
The battle of aging is not one anybody will win yet men will also try and enhance their size using every possible gadget, pill or exercise to massage their ego. I have heard of one method where the man ties a brick to his best friend for several minutes. Aside from looking like that toy `Stretch Armstrong’, I would be quite concerned that once the brick is removed a man may discover what used to work doesn’t work and that he now has an entirely new problem that only elephants would have.
Yet this arrogance is not limited to men. There have been television shows highlighting the extremes some women will go to achieve what they perceive to be perfection. There is a surgery available to tighten the elasticity of one specific area. I always thought plastic surgeons missed a great promotional opportunity by not restricting this procedure to the Virgin Islands but I digress. Let us return to the retirement home.
“Congratulations on your Bingo victory, Frank,” said a beaming Edna. “Thanks. Want to come over to my room and share the bag of walnuts I won?” he asked with a devilish grin. “I sure would and thanks to my latest surgery we don’t even need a nutcracker.”
Unless Frank has invested in some little blue pills Edna has wasted her time. It would be like dropping a supercharged Ferrari engine into an old Chevy that’s been sitting in somebody’s barn for fifty years.
Shall I push this insanity even further? Many women have jumped on the flavour-of-the-month bandwagon by requesting a surgery that actually increases the size of their behinds. Wouldn’t a few extra trips to the buffet do that? What woman, or man for that matter, would want a gluteus maximus that doubles as a card table?
“Those walnuts were a real treat,” Edna said as she bent over to pick up her newspaper but her newly enhanced buttocks knocked Frank’s wheelchair into the library shelf. War and Peace fell from the top and knocked poor Frank unconscious.
If men aren’t into tying housing materials to their privates they can always have fat taken from other parts of their body and injected into `Mr. Happy’ to make their ultimate dreams come true.
However, there is always a risk associated with altering the human body. Some men have seen their favourite body part deformed after the fat transferring process.
“The moon is lovely this evening, isn’t it Frank?” “Romance is in the air, Edna,” Frank said as they embraced and exchanged a passionate kiss. Suddenly, Edna screamed and began ruthlessly beating the snake that had swallowed a mouse. “That’s me!” Frank cried out in pain.
You see my good reader, Frank and Edna would be far better off letting nature takes its own course. We are what we are. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an appointment with a brick and a piece of string.

Written by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

Providing a fresh perspective for Hamilton and Burlington

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