Well my good reader, have you heard about a company that has promised talking robots by the end of this year that will fulfill all of your sexual desires? Science fiction fantasy has taken on a whole new meaning but this does pose some ethical questions and creates several dilemmas.

If one is married or in a relationship and uses one of these robots would that be considered cheating? If it is then there are a plethora of both men and women who have already demonstrated infidelity by the use of specific, standard gadgets currently available. In a way could not these devices be considered an amputated robot?

However, these perfunctory paramours are probably better than the dolls that presently exist. Granted smokers and those

without bicycle pumps may have a difficult time bringing their date to life not to mention if things get wild he or she may puncture and fly right out the window or go for a spin on the ceiling fan.

What if you are single? Is a robot going to be as passionate as a human being? The only upside I can see to having a robot in the boudoir is that after the lovin’ you can simply turn over and hit the off switch to avoid the inevitable questions about your feelings. What if during the throes of ecstasy you spill your wine? One electrical short could send you to heaven in record time and the robot to the junkyard. Fifty Shades of Grey would turn into `Fifty Shades of Singed Everything Grey’.

Can you imagine taking your robot to dinner? Aside from the obvious stares of the other patrons, how would it work? “I’ll just have the small Greek salad,” she said. “And for you, sir?” asked the waiter with a curious eyebrow. “Oh he’ll just have some juice from the electrical outlet. Is there one near or do we need an extension cord?” she answered for her date.

It seems to me the fairer sex has the advantage regarding robots. Let us face the cold… um… hard facts, gentlemen. Your mechanical doppelganger is good to go at any moment without the help of a little blue pill or a can of Fix-A-Flat. Imagine our collective horror, sirs if `Mr. All-Night-Long’ truly can perform all night long and is available in schematics that put us to shame.

I suppose women could be jealous of the female robot too. Considering the billions spent worldwide by the ladies on plastic surgery the last thing they want as competition is a life-size Barbie.

To quote the British playwright and poet, William Congreve, `Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.’ This leads me to the terrifying fact that eventually these robots will assume emotions and if they do, what is the point of having those battery-operated, polyurethane lovers in the first place? Isn’t that what humans are for? Perhaps even

more frightening is the thought that one of these motorized lovers could turn on you and pound you into a pool of protoplasm.

I believe the type of person that would purchase one of these robots is the same kind of person who texts people who are sitting in the same room. We as a society have become very socially inept and communication-impaired so that we have lost the human in being. Isn’t it ironic that we are now turning to levers, pulleys, circuit boards, foam and plastics to feel like we are human again?

The propagation of our species may be adversely affected with the advent of these walking, talking, winking, flirting and lascivious Lolitas. At present the family unit is under constant stress as it is. Add a life-like artifice to replace mom or dad and the once fun family gathering to play a game of Scrabble will begin a losing streak that will last a millennium. Forget chess, checkers and any other game for it will actually turn into a `bored game’. As for video games how do you win against an opponent

who has the same internal components as the game itself? Speaking of which, what if your robot takes a shine to one of your household appliances? You think your hydro bills are bad now. Wait until you have little toasters running around, popping up and down, here, there and everywhere.

Nothing can replace the touch, passion and mystery of the human being as far as I’m concerned. I would rather my human experience involve all the good, the bad and the ugly… but then again as I age I might get too hideous for the lasses. What was the name of that company again?

Written by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

John Best has had a lengthy media management career, in television and radio and now print. As Vice President, News at CHCH in Hamilton, John oversaw a significant expansion of the news operation. He founded Independent Satellite News, Canada’s only television news service providing national content to Canadian independent TV stations. John is a frequent political commentator on radio and television, a documentary producer and author of a book and numerous articles on historical and political subjects. John is a past recipient of the New York Festival’s award for writing in the International TV category.

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