I would not say I suffer from arachnophobia but I would admit that spiders can make my skin crawl. The reason is because they seem to appear when you least expect it.
Recently, I watched a video on the internet where a very large and hairy spider was crawling up a wall. The circumference of this beast was at least six inches. I watched in horror as the man of the house stood on the couch and tried to corral the creature in his hands. Either this man has incredible courage or he has bad eyesight and thought it was a kitten. If that had been me I would have cared more that the spider was dead than for the shotgun blast in the wall and the amount of money it would have cost me to replace the ceiling. Eventually, the man cupped the furry specimen in his hands but it slipped out and scampered down his arm. The hairs on my body stood up and I believe I let out a yelp. It could have been a scream but I wasn’t really paying attention as I jumped and smashed my knees off of the computer desk. The video ended at that point and I have no idea where that spider went but hopefully that Buick of a bug doesn’t have air miles and comes to my home.
However, I had my own creepy encounter with one of our eight-legged friends. First, let us remember that I don’t have a problem with little spiders as in jumping spiders. Anything bigger than that and I seriously consider acquiring a concealed weapon permit.
I apologize if the following gives you nightmares. I had gone to bed after reading and watching a little television. I turned out the light and rolled over. I tossed and turned but couldn’t fall asleep. I leaned over and turned on the light again to find a large spider dangling from its silk directly above my head. I froze and so did he or she. We had surprised each other. I didn’t waste time. I bolted from the bed and ran into the kitchen to find a glass. You see my good reader I am a total suck when it comes to living things and wanted to catch him or her in a glass and then set it free on the balcony.
To my sheer horror the spider had disappeared when I came back to the boudoir. I wondered if it had high-tailed it back into the light fixture or worse had now entered the bed. I carefully removed all the covers and shook them violently. I scolded my cat Missy for having missed the spider but she just sat there preoccupied with something. Then I saw it. Missy had two of the eight legs in her mouth and after a few good crunches she swallowed the offender. I praised her vigorously and rewarded her with more cat treats which had to taste better.
A week went by and I was driving to work. I thought I caught something out of the corner off my eye but didn’t see anything. One must concentrate upon driving, especially on the QEW but what happened next forced me off the road and onto the shoulder. Another arachnid had appeared from behind the sun visor and was lowering itself over the steering wheel. I cursed myself for accidentally leaving the sunroof open the night before in the garage. I wasn’t saving this one! I slammed my hand against the wheel activating the horn but it had escaped! To this day I don’t know where it is but I do know it is plotting and scheming to scare the living hell out of me the next time.
When I got home that night I pushed the elevator button and the door opened. There on the floor was another spider (perhaps it was the same one from the car and he was quicker than I) and he was marching straight towards me! I stepped over him and we rode the lift to my floor but I never took my eyes off of the monster. I didn’t care that I was rude and didn’t ask what floor it wanted since it couldn’t reach the buttons. The door opened and I quickly stepped out as it was still following me. The doors closed and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Walking the hall I wondered why those mechanical things we call spiders freak us out. I can tell you why. When they hear that one of their relatives was eaten by a cat, word spreads fast… and now they know where I live.

Written by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

Providing a fresh perspective for Hamilton and Burlington

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