“You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s the signpost up ahead – your next stop, the Twilight Zone!” …or in this case, my office.
It was a typical Monday. I was nursing a slight hangover from the night before. After my radio program, I always top off my week by topping up my glass with a few beers and too much tequila.
Upon feeling somewhat human again, I noticed the humidifier in my office was empty. I removed the bottle, went to the sink and filled the container. I closed the valve to secure the water and then carried the bottle back into my office. I was about
to attach it to the base when I realized it was already nearly empty. The spring in the valve was slightly askew thereby creating a massive leak, a leak that created a trail all the way back into the kitchen. I grabbed a towel and soaked up the water.
I was now ready to start working on my computer but something was nagging at me. Are you like me in that we have little jobs we should do but never get around to completing? On this day I had had enough of a drawer that continually opened because my desk is not level on the carpet.
However, the desk is extremely heavy and abuts the wall. I folded a piece of cardboard to slide underneath one end. There is only about an inch of space between the back of this behemoth and the wall so it was going to require one-armed strength and quick fingers.
I sat down to get more leverage. I took several deep breaths. I used my left arm and lifted the desk. Suddenly, I had two personalities. “Hurry, stupid!” the left side of my brain shouted.
“The cardboard is too thick!” the right side barked. Both sides cursed. My left arm was having a spasm but I was determined to finish the job.
I adjusted the cardboard and readied myself. If there had been any spinach around I surely would have squeezed it open and devoured the tin of brawn. I heaved the desk up again with a trembling arm. “Now!” the left side screamed. “Higher!” the right side yelled but at that very moment the drawer rolled open and slammed me in the face. Both sides released a torrent of expletives.
I needed a brief respite. I entered the kitchen again to get a drink of water and slipped on the humidifier’s spillage. I thought my feet would touch the ceiling! I didn’t fall but wrenched my back. Cursing plenty, I mopped up what nearly killed me. I drank, massaged my arm and then returned to the fight more determined than ever.
My strength was waning but I raised the desk again as I held my breath. “Do it!” the left side yelled. The right side remained silent for I was too busy groaning in pain for the corner caught my finger as the desk came down. I stood up quickly and poked my eye with a branch of a large plant that is positioned nearby.
Resembling a pirate, I danced around trying to equalize the throbbing ache in my finger and the wounded peeper. I rushed to the bathroom to check both injuries. The finger was already swelling and the eye was just sore. In the mirror, I gave myself a pep talk like a manager to a boxer.
I stood in the doorway of my office. The monstrosity was waiting. I heard the imaginary bell ring and the fight resumed. Bets were made and the fans cheered. I attacked my opponent with stealth. My adrenaline was pumping and I knew it was now or never. Mustering every last ounce of courage and muscle, I rammed the desk upward and slid the cardboard underneath.
Finished, I quickly sat back replete with anxiety. My working eye focused upon the drawer. I nudged the monster but it didn’t move. The beast was dead! I had won! My heart overflowed with joy for I finally had a level desk after all these years.
Winded but satisfied, I sat down to start working. I opened the keyboard drawer but the keyboard was yanked away and crashed behind the desk. During the battle the cord had somehow snagged.
Later, there was a détente once all was in place. After all, `He Ain’t Heavy, He’s my Desk’.
Written by: Ben Guyatt
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.