Let us begin this column by stating the obvious- yours truly is no blue ribbon hog when it comes to physical beauty. What was once a full head of hair has become thinner and quite silver.
To wit, Canadian superstar author Margaret Atwood poked some fun at Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s hair not long ago. I do not believe the aforementioned scribe should be casting aspersions as no doubt many a fine feathered friend have gazed wondrously downward upon her potential head/nest.
For all of Mr. Harper’s courtiers you would think someone would have told him to change his coif. Perhaps even Mrs. Harper could have made some subtle hints as to her spouse’s do. Obviously, nobody has spoken to our leader. Mr. Harper’s hair needs some gel and it should be slightly slicked back. I am not suggesting he go for the Dean Martin look but the resident at 24 Sussex Drive has plenty of hair and it’s a shame he doesn’t spruce it up a little. I fully appreciate Mr. Harper is a conservative but he should be a bit more liberal with his mop.
Speaking of liberal, hands down Justin Trudeau wins the hair contest amongst our political leaders. Granted he is younger than Mr. Harper but Mr. Trudeau always has a smart-looking melon. If Trudeau wins office I think he can attribute some of his success to his hairstyle and GQ presentation. Frankly, I can’t stand a man in a sweater and a jacket as is the wont of Mr. Harper. The prime minister desperately needs a fashion make-over as much as the liberal leader needs a foreign policy.
Now we turn our attention to Mr. Thomas Mulcair of the NDP. The man has a decent head of hair and is the only leader sporting a beard. Mr. Mulcair has that rugged look about him and if he were just a wee unkempt and wore a plaid coat he could easily be mistaken for a Russian woodsman in Siberia. Sorry, I meant Northern Canada.
Then there is Elizabeth May of the Green Party. She probably works harder on her hair than anybody else with the possible exception of Mr. Trudeau. Women tend to take their grooming more seriously than men and Ms. May has a very nice hairdo which must make the other politicos green with envy. I know that was lame. Still one must give Ms. May credit for her hair since it must be incredibly difficult to use all natural products without petroleum-based additives, carbon or electricity. I say kudos to Ms. May for drying her hair with nothing but the wind.
Next we take a gander at the leader of the Bloc Quebecois, Mr. Gilles Duceppe. He has a full silvery pompadour that separates itself from the rest of the leaders. By the way, I said pompadour not pompous. I always get those two words confused myself. Mr. Duceppe is a handsome man and a snappy dresser. One must always be ready to crown oneself king for one never knows when La belle province may suffer an earthquake tearing Quebec away from the rest of Canada.
It is good and right that we take a long look at ourselves before we judge others, namely the United States. Despite a myriad of candidates the two most likely at present would be Mrs. Hillary Clinton and Mr. Donald Trump.
Mrs. Clinton changes her hairstyle quite often but this fact is no surprise. She consistently emails and therefore must know the latest styles coming down the pike. If you ask me Mrs. Clinton regularly updates her hair so nobody notices her pantsuits. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the lady in a dress. Perhaps Mr. Clinton can help her with that.
However, the piece de resistance is the one and thankfully only, Donald Trump’s do. You would think that a man worth over ten billion dollars would spend a few bucks and get a haircut that doesn’t resemble a roofing collapse. Does Trump not own any mirrors? Did he lose a lifelong bet? Talk about your hair-brained ideas. As if having ten billion dollars isn’t enough to garner attention the man assumes the hair shape of a potato chip.
I think I have what is a brilliant idea my good readers. All politicians must wear the exact same clothes and masks whilst on the hustings. That way we will only pay attention to what they’re saying, not the way they look.
Written by: Ben Guyatt
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.