“Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the main event! In this match we will have five contestants vying for the World Wrestling Championship belt!
Let’s meet our warriors. From Quebec, the current champion, `The Boy King’! From Alberta, `I Ain’t No WildRose Ambrose’! From Ontario, `The Red Bear Mulcair’! From Connecticut, `Green with Envy Mayday May’! And finally from Quebec, `A Rheal Bloc-Head’!
And there’s the bell! The five encircle one another looking for an opening. The Boy King is usually the aggressor and sure enough he tries to manhandle The Red Bear Mulcair in a headlock but The Boy King has accidentally elbowed one of The Red Bear Mulcair’s fans in the boob! The crowd is going crazy and The Boy King makes several apologies! The Boy King has even apologized repeatedly to the referee, Geoff Regan!
The Red Bear Mulcair screams at The Boy King saying he is pathetic and points a warning middle finger. The Boy King bites The Red Bear Mulcair’s digit and calls him a piece of… of… well I can’t repeat it folks! After all, this is family-friendly television! The Red Bear Mulcair writhes in pain as The Boy King clamps down like a boy on a taxpayer-funded, nanny-made plate of poutine!
And now I Ain’t No WildRose Ambrose swings a chair and smacks The Boy King in the back of the head! The Boy King drops like a sack of government cash on the aerospace industry! Green with Envy Mayday May pleads with the ref that things are getting out of hand! Meanwhile, A Rheal Bloc-Head threatens to quit the contest if someone doesn’t pay attention to him! He has always been an outsider and rumour has it he wants to start his own wrestling league.
Regan breaks up the melee and sends the fighters back to their respective corners. Since A Rheal Bloc-Head doesn’t have a corner he is content to stand alone in the middle of the ring.
The Boy King casually leans against the ropes and winks at some adoring fans as they take pictures on their cell phones. The Red Bear Mulcair’s beard is dripping with sweat as he checks on his boob-injured fan. Some of The Red Bear Mulcair’s fans want him to get out of the ring and let someone else participate but nobody has stepped forward. I Ain’t No WildRose Ambrose looks like she doesn’t even want to be here and will probably walk away after this bout. Green with Envy Mayday May is chatting up referee Regan complaining there’s too many people in the arena causing too much carbon dioxide. A Rheal Bloc-Head just stands there barely noticed.
And the referee motions for the match to continue! The Red Bear Mulcair attacks The Boy King furiously and slams him to the mat! Unbeknownst to The Read Bear Mulcair, The Boy King has picked his pocket as The Boy King’s trainer and fellow wrestler `Witchy-Poo Never-Wynne’ cheers and begs for the lucre! The Boy King drops the wallet as I Ain’t No WildRose Ambrose dives to scoop the cash but knocks her head against Green with Envy Mayday May’s shovel! That’s right! Green with Envy Mayday May has a shovel and was trying to plant a garden in the middle of the ring!
Some of the cash flutters in the air and A Rheal Bloc-Head grabs all the money away from The Boy King’s lady, `Miss Princess Sophie’s Choice’ but sustains a finger cut and drops the loot! It’s a bleeder folks! There’s real blood for once! A Rheal Bloc-Head is shouting he’s going to sue if he doesn’t get all the money citing, `Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers’!
I Ain’t No WildRose Ambrose is coming around but it looks like she’s had enough! She stretches to tag `Harp-er On and On’ but he just announced his retirement! Harper-er On and On just saunters away and oddly enough stray cats in the building seem to be following him!
The Boy King slips away from the winded The Red Bear Mulcair and Green with Envy Mayday May collapses in the corner. This is as much excitement as she’s ever had. A Rheal Bloc-Head merely leaves the ring. He doesn’t want any part of this any longer.
And there’s the bell! The fight is over and Geoff Regan declares there is no winner! The fans go wild and start throwing bottles and glasses and demanding their money back! This isn’t what they paid for! They’re embarrassed and vow they will never return!
The contestants just shake hands and begin to laugh. They get paid win or lose.”
Written by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.

 

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