There have been many shootings in the last year, especially in the last three months. Most people would think there’s been many in America, but in the last three months there have been a number of shootings in Canada, too. What is happening? Why are all of these shootings taking place? Honestly, I don’t think anyone should care about that. People should care about getting rid of one of the major problems here. Guns.
The NRA will puke in your face if you talk about getting rid of guns. In their opinion, guns are not the problem. The guns are just chilling, trying to enjoy themselves before animals come by and pick them up.
“Come on! Why’d he have to shoot that family of baby gorillas with a gun? What’s his problem? Did he HAVE to soil the good name of guns? Don’t blame the gun. It didn’t do anything! That gun was minding its own business, just being cool, before that idiot misused it.”
“Isn’t its function to kill?”
“Its first function is being cool. That is a fact.”
I love the NRA slogan. I always thought that should have been part of Charlton Heston’s wedding speech.
“Do you take this woman to love and to hold ’til death do you part?”
Charlton Heston turns to the crowd and raises his wife’s arm.
“…From my cold dead hands!”
The ONLY purpose of a gun is to kill. That is it. Nothing else at all. That is all it was made for. Knives have other functions. Bo staffs can be turned into mops. Nunchucks can even be used as a no-nonsense fan.
“Whoa, I’m hot.”
“Here, let me cool you off.”
“Ummm, aren’t those weapons that you’re spinning beside my head?”
“Currently, no. They are a chilling device like no other. Harm or shame my family, though, and they will kill you.”
Guns can’t do anything else but kill. That is all. What else can you use a gun for?
“Can you pass me that wooden spoon? I need to stir this pasta.”
“Oh, I don’t have a wooden spoon. Here, use this M-16 barrel.”
“… Is that safe?”
“Of course. Just don’t touch the trigger. I know, it’ll be hard to not touch the trigger because you’re used to a wooden spoon that has no trigger, but trust me, stay away from it.”
I love when people say that if we all had guns, no one would shoot anyone else. Then why do gangs shoot at other gangs? Other gangs have guns. Why did cowboys shoot at each other? They could SEE that the other cowboy had a gun. He carried it on his waist! If everyone had a gun, there would still be shootings. People wouldn’t become more civilized if everyone had a gun.
“Hey, man, give me your money!”
“Or else what?”
“Wow, wow. I didn’t know you had a gun as well. This really changes things. Not gonna lie… kinda puts a damper on my plans here. I was going to take your money and put it into my savings account. I have a 2.7% interest rate.”
“2.7%?! How did you get that?”
“Ah, well, I could go into detail with you. Would you like to grab a cocoa and discuss this financial matter, gentle sir?”
“Indeed I would, used-to-be-attacker. Indeed I would. Let me buy the cocoa.”
“No, please, please. I pulled a loaded weapon on you, sir. The least I could do is buy you a beverage.”
“Nonsense. I insist, young man. The delicious liquid is on me.”
What do we need guns for? In all seriousness, what is the purpose? For a regular human – not a cop, not someone in the army – to have a gun? Hunting? Protecting yourself? Possibly just because you are allowed to have one? That seems like the true purpose.
“Legally, I can – so I am going to get a gun and damn anyone to hell who is going to try and stop me!”
“But why do you need it?”
“Need? I didn’t say need. I’m allowed. So I’m going to do it! Just like I’m legally allowed to eat Funions. So I do it! I’m buying a gun and then I’m buying Funions. That’s how this Tuesday is going to go. Doing all of the things I’m legally allowed to do!”
There are people who just plain love guns. Love guns and don’t want them taken away. I say, they’ll get over it. People lose things all the time that they love. Spouses, blankets, a certain stuffed animal, shoes, cars. If any of those things were written down as law maybe people would fight for them more.
“It says in the fifteenth amendment that legally my first blanket ever is not allowed to be thrown out by anyone in my family, even if they say it’s ‘taking up space in the garage’. Well, get a bigger garage, mom! You can’t infringe on my rights!”
Let’s get rid of these guns! We do not need them. What are we afraid will happen if we don’t have them? Will a giant crayfish come out of the ocean and eat us all? Look, we can make some more guns if a fifty-foot crayfish attacks a city. That’s when we’ll pull them out. When a fifty-foot crayfish attacks a place, we’ll start up the AK-47 factory again.
“Sir! There is a giant crustacean attacking Delaware!”
“…My God. I never thought it would come to this. All right, blow the dust off of that lever and pull it. We’ll take ‘Jay-Z/Kanye word’ fish out the old fashion way. Bullet-ly.”
“…Do you always have to say a witty one-liner before you get a gun?”
“Yes. The safety won’t come off of them if you don’t. I once tried to fire at a moose by saying, ‘It’s you or me, moose. Have you herd?’ The gun jammed. I was nearly trampled to death.”
Gun enthusiasts say they need guns to hunt. I understand that to a point, but people hunted without guns before and got it done. I think innocent people are more important than making hunting easier.
“There haven’t been any shootings in years! It’s great that they banned guns. Only thing that sucks now is that I have to get right up on a deer and slit his throat. I tell ya, it’s really made hunting harder. I feel safer everywhere I go now, but the hunting? Whoa. I should be able to stand back and shoot the deer like a man from a distance and not feel its last breath while it dies in my arms, but I get it, I get it. We’re safer. Thanks, guys.”
People want to hunt, fine. But handguns? Can we at least get rid of those? There is no point of anyone having one. You are not going to hunt with one. Never. You will never need that, unless you are going to rob a deer.
“Ah, what’s up, deer? Thought you could just prance through this forest all carefree, huh? Not today, bud! Gimme them antlers! That’s right. Hand them over! Yo, give me some of that sweet fur, too. You think I’m messing around, deer? Well, I ain’t! And gimme that cute look on your face!”
Gun lovers will also say they need guns to protect their houses, family and land.
“What if some nut rushes in here with a gun? I can’t have one to protect myself? The law protects the criminal more than the victims!”
Why is it only the weapons that people want to emulate? A guy rushes in with a gun, he has a gun, and I should be able to have a gun. Why do we not believe that we should have the mindset of a maniac who will run into a house to combat a maniac running into your house?
“He’s allowed to walk in here and kill people, and I can’t even tell the bank teller that I’ll choke her if she doesn’t hurry up?! I have to protect myself. Where’s the justice!?”
Guns aren’t safe, so we shouldn’t have them at all. In school, one person could ruin it for everyone.
“Well, Tom put gum under his desk and it got stuck to Susan’s dress, so no more gum.”
“Ah, geez! Thanks, Tom! I guess I’ll just chew on my thoughts from now on.”
We would live with that. And nobody died. Gum didn’t kill anyone. People don’t have this attitude when it comes to guns. People shoot and KILL innocent, random people, and we don’t have the ‘one person can ruin it’ rule. People argue about it.
“Why should I lose my gun because some nut shot up a busy intersection!? I’m not crazy, he is. This is ridiculous. Obviously keep guns away from him. I just have guns in my home incase someone like him rushes in here. If you catch all of the people like him, I won’t ever have to use my gun. So what are you waiting for? Hunt down the crazies and lock them up!”
The one person can ruin for everyone rule doesn’t apply to guns at all.
What is the giant fear that people have of these elusive ‘somebody’s who are going to attack and kill us all.
“Those mutants are out there, and when they inevitably run at my house – I’ll be ready.”
Where are these people? Where! And why are we so afraid of them? You ever see a crazy person on the street? Some guy just screaming to himself about how he’s going to kill someone?
“Take my pigeon! I’ll show that dirtbag. I’ll choke my pigeon!”
He’s not scary, right? You just walk by him and keep going. Give that guy a gun and see how scary he becomes. We’re only scared of crazy people who have guns, so WHY NOT GET RID OF THE GUNS! WHY!?
“Well, because if we don’t have guns, then someone will get a gun and we’ll need one.”
People only have guns because they’re scared other people have guns. If no one had guns, you wouldn’t have to worry about that.
“Well, what about if they had a knife? Or a taser? Or a katana? Or a four-foot long samurai sword? Oh, oh, or what if they had a pocket full of piranhas that they were going to throw at you?”
Fine! I get it. You know what? No more guns, but we’ll all carry missiles.
Nathan Macintosh is an award winning comedian from Halifax Nova Scotia, who has been heard and seen on the CBC's The Debaters, Just For Laughs Comedy Festival, Halifax Comedy Festival, and the Comedy Network/CTV. Nathan tours North America, and was named one of the "New Generation of Canadian Funnymen" by Sharp Magazine.

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