I will tell you my good readers that I am absolutely fascinated with all things related to astronomy. I will also inform you that I firmly believe that we are not alone in this universe. If we are it is an incredible waste of space but thankfully mathematics agrees with me. The odds of life elsewhere in the heavens are all but certain. However, I take exception to dingbats. By this I mean those individuals that claim aliens are currently here. Strangely, it was reported that in Canada alone the number of U.F.O. sightings has doubled in the last year.

There must be a reasonable explanation for such a steep climb in the numbers. Personally, I chalk it up to alcohol and/or ignorance. Seriously folks, do you really believe aliens would travel billions of miles to simply fly around yet not introduce themselves? This kind of logic makes E.T. a voyeur. If such an advanced race were casing our planet they would surely know we are still in the infancy of technology and pose no threat other than bad television. I cringe when I see specific persons thrilled to pieces to announce to the world that they have been kidnapped by aliens and returned safely. Is it not a coincidence that these humanoids generally live in a rural part of the country with a great need for periodontal work?

What is it about rustic area codes that convince the bumpkin minions that `Marvin the Martian’ is traversing their farmland? Loneliness and isolated humans tend to allow their brains to work overtime. I will admit that I have heard accounts of big city dwellers being taken against their will, flown into space aboard a sleek ship and intrusively probed before being returned to their bedroom. I find it odd that these dastardly aliens would do such a heinous thing but nobody sees them coming or going. The key evidence in this is the location- the bedroom. Goodness knows there are many people who perform their extracurricular duty without much willpower and as far as the probing goes… well, you get the point. Speaking of which, there is a man in England named Simon Parkes who claims he has consensual sex with an alien. If that isn’t bizarre enough, the man is married and a politician.

Wait a minute. Maybe it does make sense. Parkes laments the fact that his warp drive paramour is ruining his marriage. They say the bigger the lie the more people will believe said lie. I do not believe Parkes’ wife is that stupid so either she is the kind of woman who takes an air compressor to get in the mood or she’s part of the gravity- defying ménage a trois. There must be something going on with Great Britain because a woman named Stephany Cohen claims she has regular sex with aliens while soaring through the solar system. She reports the aliens pick her up in their starcraft. I would hope so. There’s nothing worse than a cheap alien. Stephany adds that her alien lover is pure ecstasy and has named him the `Octopus Man’.

It certainly makes sense now. Women love to be held but men only have two arms unless of course she is speaking of something else. If that is true then as a species, men, we are in serious trouble. Stephany also calls them the `Grays’. Ahhh, now it’s all coming together. Fifty Shades of Gray! That’s the secret. Author E.L. James is an alien. E.L.? That is awfully close to E.T. Here is another part of the alien invasion that baffles me. Have you ever noticed that when people claim to have seen a U.F.O. the first thing they do is to call the police. Why? What can the cops do? Imagine the conversation once the officer pulls over the spaceship. “Excuse me… sir… ma’am… thing. Do you have any idea how fast you were going?” “Millbar zook orpit blug.”

At this point the gendarme takes a step closer with a raised eyebrow and sniffs. “Have you had anything to drink tonight?” Of course the aforementioned conversation is ridiculous. Everybody knows the entire universe speaks English thanks to Star Trek. Which begs the question… what the hell is Quebec’s problem? I really would like to believe the citizens of far-reaching galaxies are here but there is not a shred of evidence. Space is so vast that it would take a highly sophisticated species to master the engineering required. According to statistics U.F.O. sightings also skyrocket when there are unusually high rates of geo-political stress in the world. At the current level of evil machinations throughout the globe it’s a wonder we all aren’t stiff in the neck from craning upward. Sleep tight.

Article by: Ben Guyatt

Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian who hosted Comedy @ Club 54, is the author of several books including Billy Green Saves The Day and hosts The Ben Guyatt Show on AM900 CHML every Sunday night. www. benguyatt.com

 

Providing a Fresh Perspective for Burlington and Hamilton.

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