I like to keep a clean vehicle both inside and out.  Since my car is black it tends to show dirt more easily but when it is sparkling I drive with pride and the engine even seems to run better.

For days and days I would go to the touchless car wash but each time there were too many customers and the wait time was ridiculous.  I knew the car wash place was open at night and after a show I decided to try my luck again.

There wasn’t a soul around.  I was in car wash heaven!  The green light indicated I was free to proceed.  I took my time as I savoured the sweetness of being first in what was sure to be a long line of cars behind me.

I withdrew my wallet and took out a ten dollar bill.  I pushed the button and slid the money in the designated slot.  My eyes looked to the door that would soon open and in moments I would be ushered into the privacy of an enclosed spa for mind, body and metal.

The bill popped back out.  Slightly perplexed, I slid the bill back in again.  It’s not unusual that with this new plastic money the dispensers don’t work every time.  It regurgitated the currency again.  I’ll admit it; I cursed the Canadian Mint and tried once more.  The bill came out and it wafted to the ground.  I lost it.  Swearing like a man that missed the lottery by one number I angrily opened the door and rammed the bill home again thinking force was needed with this indolent machine.  It spit the money away as a teething baby would with Pablum.

My eyes crossed with rage and I happened to glance at the car wash door.  My first reaction was one that anybody would have in a similar situation- I looked around to see if anyone had noticed me.  To my horror the sign stated the car wash was closed.  It had been for over an hour.  I quickly drove away and for some inexplicable reason I felt smaller in the seat.

The second installment of my dim witted diary begins with a morning like any other.  I sat in bed with my coffee and turned on the television.  I noticed that there was a bulletin on the condominium channel which stated there was an emergency water shutdown for the entire building thanks to a leak.

I wasn’t worried.  I didn’t have any meetings scheduled that day so my shower could wait.  However, it is amazing how much we take plumbing for granted.  Many times I went to wash my hands or get a drink or flush the toilet only to be reminded that my golden years may not be so golden since my memory isn’t as sharp as it once was.

I went for my daily walk and worked up a good sweat.  I was anxious to have my shower and when I came home I discovered the water was back on.  The same sensation of anticipated cleanliness which I had with my car now befell me and I stripped off my earthly robes.

As usual, I turned on the hot water tap first and I heard the pipes rattle, moan and gurgle as the pressure was built back up again.  The water was still lukewarm and there was no need to bother with the cold tap.  I felt a chill as I stepped in and closed the curtain.  I opened the hot water tap further and pulled the valve that switched it from the faucet to the shower mode.

Another frost rippled through my body and decided to open the hot water tap all the way.  The water was slightly warmer and that’s about all I remember.  I did hear a strange bang which informs me that my ears are more attuned than my eyes.  The full blast of water pressure had rocketed the shower head completely off the pipe and it clocked me squarely between the eyes.

Slightly dazed, I recall holding my face and standing farther away from the shower as the full force of the water slashed my skin and the shower head rolled noisily around the tub.  Although the toilet was close by its use was not needed for I was already in the shower if you catch my drift.

After drying myself I studied the red circle on the bridge of my nose and said a silent prayer that I wasn’t bending over at the time.  That’s one trip to the emergency room I don’t need, dirty car or not.

By: Ben Guyatt

Providing a Fresh Perspective for Burlington and Hamilton.

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