Two weeks ago on a Friday I suffered what could be described as `one of those days’. We all have those moments in life when the simplest of events takes a turn for the bizarre.
The day began as any other day until the phone rang. A man inquired as to whether Ed was here. I informed the caller that he had the wrong number. The gentleman apologized profusely and we chuckled like old friends and then hung up. Roughly ten minutes later the phone rang again. It was the same man asking for Ed. I politely answered he had the wrong number yet again. The caller laughed and proffered another apology excusing his mistake to old age. We laughed once more and hung up. About an hour later it happened again. I answered but the man remained silent, obviously too embarrassed to admit a third error or maybe he was having some fun with me. He hung up and I waited but he didn’t call back… or at least so I thought.
I finished lunch and went for my walk. Upon returning to the condominium building I pushed the elevator button. Two of the three elevators opened simultaneously and at that exact moment a yellow lab exited from each lift. The sight of this struck me as funny and I said aloud, “Look at that, two dogs at once.” Both canines had elderly female owners and one of the ladies stopped, raised an offended eyebrow and replied in a stern tone, “I beg you’re your pardon, young man?”
Now, any time someone calls me a young man it indicates I am in serious trouble. My mother and father used to use those same words when I had made some kind of grievous mistake and a chill would rocket up my spine.
The lady stood there waiting for an explanation. I felt my face flush and that familiar chill as I fumbled for words. Like an idiot I actually pointed to her dog and explained that a similar dog exited at the exact same time from another elevator, hence the `two dogs at once’ remark. Unfortunately for me, this lady hadn’t seen the other woman and her lab so my remarks were met with a dubious glance. The lady merely nodded and marched away as her lab glanced over its shoulder as if he didn’t believe me either.
Later that same day I was preparing my dinner. I always like to eat early on a show night so I cooked my usual Friday night fare; eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast and a spinach salad.
On this particular early evening I decided to have scrambled eggs. Instead of cooking them in the pan I decided to use the microwave. In case you don’t know, take two or three eggs, stir and add a smidge of water. Set in the microwave for approximately for one minute and you have incredibly fluffy, scrambled eggs.
I was busy with the hash browns, bacon, toast and salad when the microwave pinged. I opened the door and the steam seemed heavier than usual. As a matter of fact the eggs seemed to take longer than usual and their hue was a stranger kind of hissing yellow. It was then I realized I hadn’t hit the one minute button but the four minute button. It wasn’t a problem. The eggs were a little overcooked but still eatable.
I prepared my plate and leaned over to scoop out the scrambled eggs. I know now why the eggs were hissing. I heard a loud pop and suddenly my face felt hot. There was egg on the counter, egg on the fridge and egg on the ceiling. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Aside from a scrambled mess upon my face I had egg stuck in my hair too.
I ate my dinner and then took a long shower to wash that same dinner from my head. I dressed, gathered my jacket and went to do my show.
I had a good performance and drove home thinking about my odd day. I’d always heard strange or bad things happen in threes and it truly did happen in this case.
I came up in the elevator without incident, unlocked my door and donned some comfortable clothes. I grabbed a drink, sat back in my chair and turned on the television but something caught my eye. It was the phone blinking that there was a new message. I played it back and couldn’t help but laugh. It was a message for Ed to call back.
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.