Recently, two animal rights groups decided to take the Ontario Government to court to stop the possible reinstatement of the spring bear hunt. I applaud the effort. There must be a better way other than the murder of innocent animals. It is up to us to accommodate the fauna, not the other way around.
Actually, I have a fantastic idea and I am sure most citizens would agree. I would like to initiate an annual `Spring Politician Hunt’. I’m not talking about violence against the politicos.
On the first Sunday of the Vernal Equinox I suggest we take all the politicians of Ontario and escort them to the woods. This Pagan-like ritual could be fun and yet instrumental regarding the improvement of our government.
The next step is disrobing our plenipotentiaries with much privacy. Next, we invite two dozen bears to the fun-filled day. These bears (chosen by lottery) will be blindfolded and kept in a special area cordoned off by tape. Naturally, members of the Ursidae family will have to promise not to maul or eat their quarry. I believe a simple signature on an impermeable contract would suffice. After all, if the verbal promises of the Politburo are good enough for the taxpayer, then there should be little opposition to the pen of a `Teddy’.
Our shivering elected officials will be given a one hour head start. Then, our bears will be allowed free to hunt our sovereigns using nothing but their olfactory senses. You may think this unfair but consider the crafty potentates versus the cuddly carnivores. What Winnie-the-Pooh could possibly outsmart our honest, altruistic and honourable oligarchs?
The length of the event will be until dusk because under the cover of darkness the bears don’t stand a chance against the clever public servants. Besides, our friendly meat eaters pay interminable taxes and must rise early to attend their slaving jobs. Some of the beasts have children and there’s nothing more insipid than young bruins roaming the streets with nothing better to do than start trouble.
You may be wondering why the hunted must be naked. The simple answer to this is that those doing the hunting are also without clothes and I believe in egalitarianism to its fullest. Plus, politicians usually dress in dull duds and this would give them an unfair advantage as our bears will believe they are seeing the same target over and over.
Of course the point of this exercise is to hone the motor skills and the cerebral acumen of the prey in that they may better serve their constituents. The predators would receive fair recompense in the form of fish or season’s tickets to the Chicago Bears football games.
To be frank, not all of our furry friends are scrupulous. I did some research and found out that some of the overbearing bears will frequently bend the truth. For example, there is one quadruped who reneged on some porridge regarding The Three Bears in Mississauga. Upon further investigation I discovered some of these animals deleted computer hard drives. What amazes me is not the fact that bears know how to use a computer but that they would blatantly break the laws of nature.
During the hunt helicopters would be banned after some bears were caught giving their friends jobs and more than their fair share of honey when it comes to hovering aircraft.
Medical aid will be available at the `Spring Politician Hunt’ in case of cuts or bruises but unfortunately some of the bears mishandled the electronic health file. It seems certain bruins abused that honey too.
As a matter of fact the original title of this hunt was going to be called The Pan Am Games but you guessed it, those darn bears already have another event with the same title and taxpaying Poohs have paid far too much for that as it is.
I’m not saying all bears are bad but it only takes a few of these nefarious creatures to paw the pecuniary interests of the den to stain the mammalian community. Therefore, on a happier note…
`Every teddy bear, that’s been good is sure of a treat today,
there’s lots of wonderful things to eat and wonderful games to play. Beneath the trees, where nobody sees they’ll hide and seek as long as they please, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic’.
As mentioned, the politicians would not be hurt for one very special reason- bears will not eat bull$%#@! For the record, no animals were harmed in the writing of this article.
Written by: Ben Guyatt
Ben Guyatt is a stand-up comedian and a published author. Visit his website at www.benguyatt.com and follow him on Facebook. He also hosts The Ben Guyatt Show every Sunday at 9 pm on AM 900 CHML.